My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.