[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
the best thing i’ve ever made
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over