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I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy