Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
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*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally