Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
oh my god
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.