I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
fr
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…