Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
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*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Where is your GOD now????
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.