Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Dear Lord..
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon