Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still