I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Birds & Planes.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
#JohnTravolta
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing