“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.