I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
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[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Money is the root of all wealth
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on