ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
You Might Also Like
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
can’t believe I got front row seats
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra