Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”