i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
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If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.