who did the taste test?
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.