HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Aight bet
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My dad teaching me to drive
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.