I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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The morning after pill, but for tweets
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
This is the best one I’ve seen
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S