My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Holy crap this is wonderful
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?