[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
How does one answer this?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Still laughing at this stupid meme
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
#Caturday