Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.