-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
started wrapping my pills in cheese
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”