Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My purse is deeper than some people.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock