I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there