“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
As the Lord intended
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo