Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Breakfast for Stoners:
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*