If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
You Might Also Like
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long