I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
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me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.