Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.