Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
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At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
*me flirting
so much to do
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Basketball
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.