Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.