Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress