[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
😲 WTF? 😆
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
A classic example of a cat being a cat.