Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
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If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Is this a threat?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
lol
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
There’s only one good girl here!
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.