Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Social distancing in Australia:
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.