Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
“you changed” bro i was 15
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…