Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
what
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?