Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
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Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Get in loser we’re going crying
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Möther may I have a snäck
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.