I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
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Give a baker flours on your first date.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*