[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
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Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
The three genders.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.