My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
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Do not steal food from the science building!
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code