*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
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Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Herpes is trending, good job people
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
how much for the angry fruit?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”