It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
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hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.