Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.