My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve