I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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This is what makes twitter great
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
also my go-to takeaway order
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves