At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.