Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
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I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner