Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.