I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
live, laugh, laundry.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living